Posted in humour, television

Reality TV – Mixing It Up A Bit

My television has been permanently stuck on channel 5 since I moved house and lost the remote control. I turn it on, get cosy, then remember I have no remote, so channel 5 it is. Channel 5 has been an eye opener for me, and I’ve now become a reality TV addict (I also know a lot about the law when it comes to evictions, bailiffs and the like). As a result of watching CBB, CBB’s Bit On The Side and Make or Break (to name but a few) I’ve been working on my own ideas for reality tv shows.

*Googles pitching programming ideas to channel 5*

My first idea is more pay back rather than a serious pitch. I’d like to see all of the producers, writers, directors, team etc.. of Big Brother locked up in the BB house for four weeks. There should be a padded cell, this would be for timeout mainly, but on the first night the person whose idea to create the program should be locked in there and not allowed out until they have successfully completed a task. The task being to give the correct answer to one simple question. “What is the name of the dog that fathered the Queen’s Corgis?” The alcohol for the duration of the series would be stored in the padded cell. The rest of the contestants will be able to monitor the cell 24 hours a day. Let the games begin.

My next idea is a serious contender, it’s an adaption of an unsuccessful show that only lasted for one season. The Job Interview aired on Channel 4 in 2016, real life interviews with real candidates competing for real jobs. I think I know where it went wrong and how it could be improved upon (if anyone is thinking of stealing my ideas remember this post will have a publication date! You have been warned).

The Job Interview made the mistake of being too serious, it also scared the pants off anyone who may have been looking for a job. The new trend seemed to involve lots of psychometric tests that when under pressure you’re bound to fluff up. So I have an idea to alleviate that kind of pressure, but also get a very good insight into the candidate’s ‘real’ personality. It would be something like First Dates meets The Job Interview with the volume of alcohol as supplied to contestants on Big Brother.

I was advised, when attending an informal meeting, to follow the lead of the person I was trying to impress when it came to the number of drinks consumed. He was a piss head! Result! Assuming that advice is a ‘thing’ it would be obligatory for the lead interviewer to set the pace and drink a bucket load of booze. A second interviewer would be there to take notes, they’d have to drink a little alcohol as well so the interviewee was not  put off imbibing. This could be a real hit! It certainly adheres to the formula for good car crash TV.

At the risk of just chucking booze into the formula for all my reality TV program ideas, I could envisage all of the above programmes meet The Jeremy Kyle Show. Could you imagine that, alcohol on The Jeremy kyle Show. BUT I’m working on something a little more sophisticated for Jezzer, I’m thinking of something along the lines of Jezzer does Come Dine With me… “And the Father is…..those scallops done ok for you my lovely?”

Posted in humour, social media

keyboard Warriors – Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged

I’m not a religious person, but after four years living in Northern Ireland, and my Mother’s newfound obligation to attend church weekly, I have an insight into how being a Christian is supposed to work. I also remember those religious school assemblies, and attended lunchtime Scripture Union as I didn’t have any friends (and we got to sing cute songs about flags flying high from the castle of our hearts).

I enjoyed bible stories, they were great stories, always with a great punchline that was intended to guide us on the right path in life. I do honestly believe that they formed a large part of my moral education. The four main phrases engraved on my brain (and if I was so inclined would possibly choose to have tattooed along my arms) are:

  • Judge not lest ye be judged (that’s my favourite).
  • Do unto others as you would have them do unto you (rarely works this one).
  • Cast your bread upon the water and it will return as a sandwich (hope it’s not a Subway sandwich, I don’t know what that is that they try to pass off as bread).
  • How you live your life on earth determines the size of your crib in Heaven (paraphrased poorly perhaps).

I am sharing this with you to let you know, based on the way I was brought up, how shocked I am when I read some of the things that anonymity allows people to write on social media. And I truly wonder what kind of world we are living in, and the kind of world we would be living in if these people behaved like this in everyday life.

Today I read about the Clooney foundation funding the education of around 3000 Syrian refugees. The headline made it sound like George Clooney and his wife were doing this personally. Those who didn’t make the effort to read the full article then jumped on the bandwagon and the venom began to spew.

“…a great way to reduce your tax liability…”
“…great PR for them….”

So, in real life, there I am helping someone across the road, or carrying someone’s shopping for them (nothing as exciting or high profile as the Clooney foundation) and I get yelled at:

“Look at her, she’s only doing it to get that staircase fitted in her mansion in Heaven…”

“Blimey, doesn’t she think she’s had enough sandwiches the fat cow!”

Celebrity bashing appears to be a popular pastime on social media. People who live and love to hate those more successful, better looking and wealthier than themselves. Celebrity Big Brother started last night, a programme I’ve only really caught glimpses of over the years. I was home alone and still haven’t located the remote control after my house move, so I left it on Channel 5 (Not sure at what point it got stuck on Channel 5, probably another occasion I felt like watching something intellectually unchallenging). Today social media was alive and kicking with insults, condemnation and personal attacks on the “call themselves f****in celebs”; words like ‘trashy’, ‘evil’, ‘bitch’ all crawled out of the woodwork.

So, as a voyeur, in a new social setting, the pub for example, amongst people you have never met, and do not know, is this how people are judged? Can you imagine, if every day these keyboard warriors were let loose on the general public. Judging, condemning, insulting, racist, homophobic, critical, unkind, body shaming, parent shaming, prejudiced, bigoted COWARDS.

Wow! I’m glad I got THAT off my chest. My big, wobbly, saggy chest, the result of 50 years on this planet, yoyo dieting, and 12 months of breastfeeding. Fortunately I haven’t exposed any part of my boobs on social media so don’t really need to defend them quite so vehemently. I will leave you with this thought; Judge not Lest Ye Be Judged, should be everyone’s mantra. It could change the world. #judgenotlestyebejudged