Posted in comedy, social media

The Treadmill That Is Social Media – Can’t live With It, Can’t Live Without It.

I don’t just feel like I’m running on a treadmill that won’t turn off, or trying to juggle too many balls in the air; I feel like I’m trying to do both.

As someone who uses social media to try and get work, and promote myself, I don’t feel like I can try the, ‘My Week Without Social Media’ experiment. Besides, everyone is doing it and it gets boring to read after a while. We all know that hyperventilation kicks in after an hour, and then by day three they discover how rich their lives have become as they reintegrate back into normal life. I reckon it’s like dieting, once they start back into it they spend more hours on the computer than before they deprived themselves. Gain a week, lose a month.

You think you’re getting a handle on managing your excessive number of social media accounts, then they start making extra demands of your time. Come on, do the quiz that your mate only got nine out of ten correct answers, it’s the hardest quiz, like ever. Then you don’t publish your results because you only got three correct, you have a degree and they don’t know the difference between, ‘your’, ‘you’re’, ‘there’ and ‘their’. You do realise you can do it a second time and publish your revised answers don’t you? But just get one wrong to make it look believable.

Of course I’m intrigued to see which famous celebrity I look like, who wouldn’t be. I’ve never published any of those results either. I scrub up well on a Saturday night but I’m not so delusional that I think I look like Mila Kunis, besides I’m blonde and fifty, and haven’t had plastic surgery recently. I do enjoy the ‘who were you in a past life?’ Usually turns out to be someone who was still alive in my lifetime, so not sure how that works. And what about the career I should have had if I hadn’t been a stay at home mum? Yes! That is exactly what I would have been, an astronaut, suits claustrophobics down to the ground that one.

I care very much about all the hideous diseases and cruelty in the world, I really do, but I’m pretty sure typing ‘Amen’ or sharing posts that give me nightmares for weeks, will not make a significant difference, no matter how much you tell me I’m a total, uncaring, unfeeling cow if I don’t. And you’re right, I had no idea who Prince’s dad was. I still don’t. I don’t have time to click through 20 pages that take ninety seconds to load in the dramatic build up to the answer. Google it. That’s what I do now, I just google it.

My favourite headlines usually include, ‘…and you wouldn’t believe what happened next’. I know what happens next, another site with ninety second loading pages. What about all those photos? We seem to have a new generation of Doctors who can diagnose illnesses, and save lives, just from a brief look at a photo… ‘you won’t believe what they saw…’ You’re right, I don’t believe it. What disturbs me the most about ‘sharing’, is the number of people that are happy to click share without doing any research. Some poor bloke is sitting at home enjoying his first cup of tea of the day when the police kick his front door in. Why? Because he pissed someone off recently and they posted his pic telling everyone he beat an old lady over the head with a bicycle pump. ‘Plz sher so we can catch this scum!’

Scroll on by you might say…don’t log in you might say…. But if I didn’t how would I ever see those wonderful quick and tasty recipes for midweek meals? I wouldn’t know what is good or bad for me in my daily diet. I certainly would have no idea what Prosecco is, or that everyone would like to have it on tap in a variety of gadgets (We seem to have bred a society of alcoholics). Most importantly, I wouldn’t know how many hours my son has slept by stalking his green light status, or how many of my friends are online and ignoring my messages!

 

Posted in social media

If I See One More Post About Trump On Social Media – I Think I’ll Explode

I’m not writing about politics, I’m writing about humans; humans and bandwagons.

I’m mostly writing this because social media has been ruined for me, and many others like me. If I didn’t need it for work I would flounce off in a huff (for at least a week) and refuse to look at my timelines ever again. Of course not until I’d made a grandiose statement of my intentions on the book with the face; I would then sneak back in and hope that no-one notices my return to Messenger from Whatsapp, where I would undoubtedly have referred them.

I’ll start by making it quite clear I am not a supporter of Trump, I didn’t vote for him, because I live in England. That doesn’t mean to say I am ignorant to the knock on effect of what goes on in other countries. I’m not. But i don’t need to know every time Donald does a Trump, or how and why every individual hates him, personally, and wishes him dead. I grew sick of all the social media in the build up to the election, and I naively thought it would all end when the new President was elected.  Oh how wrong was I.

So, back to humans and bandwagons. Let’s start with Melania Trump and that video that went viral of her looking crestfallen after Donny turned round and said ‘something’ at the inauguration.

lisa2

That one brief insight into their relationship had people campaigning on social media to Save Melania from the evil tyrant. Now correct me if I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure theirs wasn’t an arranged marriage. Which leads me to hazard a guess that they dated for a while first. Which leads me to assume she already knew what a total twat he is. A twat with a big wallet who will one day rule the world. What’s not to like? Secondly, how do we not know that Mel was looking forward to a big roast dinner that night and Donny said, “looks like this is going  on  longer than I thought. It’ll have to be a takeaway tonight I’m afraid my darling”. Quite possible.

I’ve been taken quite by surprise at the strength of feeling in this country about Old Donny at the helm in the USofA. During his election campaign he said he was going to do a lot of stuff that we think is really bad. The Americans still voted him into office. In their country. And we (I use the term loosely as I didn’t step foot outside the house on Monday) have taken to the streets in our thousands to protest over the decisions he is making. Can you imagine if countries around the world were doing the same in response to our referendum to BREXIT? We would become keyboard warriors in defence of our country, our democracy, our choices.

Yes, there are humanitarian issues, without a doubt. But as far as I know he hasn’t actually killed anyone yet. There are many, many other world leaders who have a catalogue of atrocities  committed against their own people. The dictatorships, the infringement of civil rights. Where are their memes? Why aren’t we out marching for those people. In those countries? In 2011 following the ‘Arab Spring’ President Bashar al-Assad, responded to the peaceful protests in Syria by killing hundreds of demonstrators and imprisoning many more, that was only the beginning.  All the articles about Aleppo, the photos of the tortured, war ravaged, faces of the babes in arms have disappeared from our screens. It’s not gone away. They still need us.

I read the news every day. I know what is being said about Donny, I don’t need it plastering my timeline every other post. It’s like I’ve been transported to a desert Island with only one book that I have to read over, and over again until I’m rescued. Katie Hopkins is loving it though, Old Donny is keeping her in enough acid to prop her career up for at least another four years. By the way, if you type ‘how long’ into google the first entry in the drop down box is ‘How long US President term?’

This is my SOS from my desert Island. Please send me another book.